Thursday, 18 June 2015
It's OK to have a melt down once in a while...
At this moment in time I am fighting with my inner self, the jealous, attention seeking, selfish, Scorpio one that wants to jump up and down and throw myself on the floor in a complete all out tantrum...what about me? what about me?
When you start a relationship with someone you are usually the main focus of their attention, the first priority on their list and they on yours...but then children come along...and the priority has to shift a bit...I was ready for that (almost), what I wasn't ready for was caring for elderly parents and children being very poorly being thrown into the mix and all the other worrying life stuff that happens and seems to occur all at once.
Today saw the signing off of a very worrying journey with our youngest. Some while back our dentist discovered a lump in his mouth and referred him to the hospital...long story short...it was a large cyst that was growing very quickly and had to be operated on to remove. Thankfully today he was signed off as all clear (the C word having been mentioned) and all healed nicely.
On top of that my mother in law fell a couple of months back and broke her hip, she is thankfully well on the way to recovery and back home now but the weeks that have passed have involved hours each day, every day of hospital visits (mainly for my husband after a full day's work) and weekends spent visiting too. Now we are into the territory of a strong willed lady that wants to stay in her home (which I do understand to a point), a big three bedroomed home...with her not really able to clean and care for it or herself properly if we are being totally honest. Not open to home help, home care or meals on wheels it is down to hubby and his siblings again to deal with it all. Now...I am not being a meany poop head here...she is family, you look after your own but...we both have work, we have our own children and lives to sort too and it has actually really all been a bit overwhelming.
Yesterday hubby and I managed to catch our first date day together in what feels like forever. It did start with a trip to the dental surgery to drop off MIL's dentures to be fixed...but after that we had a very lovely breakfast in a nice cafe, a short trip to the seafront and a walk around the rose gardens. We also found a great place for lunch...although as soon as we sat down to eat hubby got a text from a sibling saying MIL needed some assistance could he go? Thankfully it wasn't ultra urgent and we managed to eat our lunch first but it did put a bit of a downer on it because then you worry as well. (I must add that the visit to MIL was made later that day, assistance provided and shopping done for her as well).
I do want to shout and scream and say...what about time for us? And it has to be perfectly honest been very difficult.
Add on top of the already on top of I have been in remission from Ulcerative Colitis for the past year or so, probably longer...until last weekend when I got hit with a bad attack. In the old days (pre children etc) I would have just folded and retreated to my room with a duvet and a hot water bottle but as a working mum you can't call in sick so I have had to deal with the UC attack as well, thankfully it seems to be responding to a very, very restrictive diet...
Oh and don't forget the lovely period that Mother Nature decided to treat me with...worst one I have ever had...
But...and here's the thing...yes I am feeling sorry for myself and having a bit of a pity party for one but then I am reminded that actually there are a lot of people, a whole heap load of people that are dealing with much worse things than we are...I should be thankful for what I have, and I am, I truly am I do have a wonderful husband, children, family and friends but human nature says that everyone has a breaking point and I do believe I hit mine this week.
I don't usually put this kind of thing 'out there'...but somehow it wanted to come out and I had the feeling that it might help others to know that everyone has stuff to deal with, that even what seems to be the 'perfect life/perfect couple/perfect person' may actually be dealing with a truck load of life experiences (not that I am calling myself perfect of course... far from it). You just have to get on and deal with it in whatever way you can but you also have to know that it is OK to not be strong all the time...occasionally you are allowed a melt down.
For me it is about adjusting, changing and being a bit more flexible with how we run our daily life. There are other priorities now and they have to be accommodated. I don't necessarily like it, that part of me that says "I should be the most important person" just doesn't want to shut up...but it will have to get used to it. I worry because it is my MIL...but it is a whole lot more worrying for my husband as she is his mother.
It did also spark a conversation between hubby and I yesterday about retirement (a way off yet...) but we talked about once the children move out and we retire that we would look for a smaller more manageable house before we were too old to get up the stairs (or fall down them) so that life once we are in our golden years would be easier not just for us but for our children.
We have talked about a warden assisted apartment for MIL; smaller and easier to clean, no stairs, more manageable, home help on hand and meals delivered daily but I don't think the idea was too pleasing...it sounded good to me, I'm thinking of going instead of her...