Thursday, 31 July 2014
Will the real persona step forward...
When I was younger I had several alter egos and I hid behind each one of them or maybe I just hadn't found the right fit for me yet...
Up until six years ago I worked in an office and each day I wore a suit, a very respectable (tattoos hidden) organised Personal Assistant to the CEO. I still have the same job and the same boss but we now work from home so no need for smart suits.
My husband is in a local rock band and for years I went to all the gigs so I had my rock chic persona with the matching jeans/black t shirts/leather biker jacket wardrobe.
I had a lot of non pagan friends that were very fashionable so I also had my non witchy high street fashion persona and accomanying wardrobe.
And somewhere in there...was me...with my attempt (on a smaller scale and much, much smaller budget) at a Stevie Nicks wardrobe.
Over the years I have shed some of the masks and most of the personas and I have to be honest pretty much all of the wardrobes, I no longer need to wear a suit, I sadly no longer attend many gigs due to a busy life and children (but I have kept hold of my leather biker jacket...some things are meant to stay if purely for the good memories) and I don't really care who I am out with...I wear what I want, not what I think will make me fit in. I guess years of shadow work, progressing further down my spiritual pathway and the wisdom that comes with age have led me to become the real ME.
But then the me that is now is also a whole heap different to the me that has been in the past (if that makes any sense at all).
I still have personas but they are much smaller and more in line with the real me - I have to be 'bigger' and more confident when speaking in front of a room full of people, leading a ritual or running a workshop.
I guess the outside world will always have a slightly different perspective on how a person is - the world in general probably believes me to a totally confident, organised, go get 'em kinda gal. And to a certain extent I am - if I set my mind to something I will work very hard to achieve it, but confidence is a tricksy thing...yes I guess I am confident when talking or working in the witchy world because I am passionate about what I do and the subject matter, but it doesn't make me totally confident about everything in my life.
In reality I worry, I worry about all sorts of things - have I made the right choices, will people like what I do, did I say the right things, have I supported people enough, did everyone enjoy the ritual/workshop/talk - all these things worry me...but I don't think that will ever change.
I cry...I cry at adverts, at Star Trek, at pretty much anything that is remotely sad...or happy...I get upset when I read horrible things on social media sites, I get frustrated at the horrible things that are happening and that we do to each other as humans. I especially hate bitchyness, gossip and rumour because those things are NEVER good, rarely based on the truth and quite indefendable against.
Those lovely people that read my books probably have a perception of me as an author (OK that still sounds funny calling myself that!), my fabulous students probably have a slightly different perception of me in my teacher/mentor persona, all the amazing people that support us at our workshops and rituals may have a totally different idea of who I am as a person - bossy, loud and laughs a lot...my family will have possibly have a very different view of me again. Very few people will know, see and understand the real me...but I guess that is going to be the same for everyone.
My personal journey has taken me on many twists and turns but I have learnt along the way (sometimes it takes me several attempts to learn the same lesson) and my personality has changed and grown along the way with it.
The upshot of this very rambling and non sensical blog post today is my realisation that I am very comfortable being me and the more comfortable you are within yourself I believe the more it will show to the outside world...so I guess what you see with me is very much what you get...the real me...almost...but also to never assume that what you see on social media sites, what you hear in the gossip groups and what you see at events may not always be how the person is feeling inside or what they are really like...