Sunday, 23 January 2011

Who are you?

Are you really who you want to be?

Is the person that you project to others who you really want them to see you as?

Hmmmm...I am by nature a strong character, an organised control freak, and used to being alpha female.  Or at least I used to be.

Throughout the past 42 years of my life I have had many 'hats' or 'masks' depending on what company I was with or where I was - a schoolgirl in the 80's, a Young Farmer, a smart PA, a bride (twice), a mother, a rock chick drummer, a witch - just a few of the facets of my character.

I have worked very hard over the past couple of years with my shadow side.  I now know my faults, I know the parts of my character that I don't like.  Those parts of me that I shudder about when I look back at events in my life - things I have said or done that I am not proud of.

I have always been in control and organised.  My working life has always been secretarial and then for the past 20 years as a personal assistant.  So I need to be organised.

Until I got pregnant nearly 11 years ago...I think that was the point when my organised life started to shake a bit.  You can't generally plan when you give birth (unless you are rich and famous!).  I didn't like not being able to put the date in my diary.  I planned as much as I could, even when the contractions started.  Hubby came home to find me sitting with reams of paper where I had been writing down timings of all the contractions!  Then 18 hours of labour, gas & air, injections, becoming dehydrated and being put on a drip, being borderline blood transfusion and finally having to go into emergency surgery for a C section - this was not organised!!   Because of all the problems with the first birth, my second child was a planned C section - far more civilised!

And of course once babies and then children came into our lives all hope of ever being the super organised, smart, power career girl went a bit out of the window.

And as the years have gone on, I am still a personal assistant but I now work from home.  I no longer need to wear a smart suit or high heels.  I conduct all the organising for my boss from the comfort of my own home, and it works for me.  It took me some time to get used to working from home, the lack of routine and too many distractions.  But it means I can do the school runs, cook nice meals and run the house.  And of course meet my pals for cake!

My personality has changed, due in part to the shadow work, but also I believe due to the change in lifestyle.  I no longer have to deal with working in an office and all the office politics.  I have different priorities in life - children do that to you.  

And I have my spiritual path which I didn't really have in place until about 12 years ago.

Having a wonderfully patient husband who understands exactly how to deal with me helps too!

So am I the person I want to be?  Not quite, but I am working on it!


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